Thursday, October 19, 2017
How to Get to Boldo's (Really, it Is)

Ever wonder how to get to Boldo's Armory? From seeing the webpage all the time you may be curious as to what Boldo's looks like in real life. The following are a set of directions that will get you to the Armory, sooner or later anyway.

First, though, I feel it necessary to go over a few simple rules.

Rule 1: Green means go. Green does not me for you to light up your cigarette. Green does not mean to start applying lip stick. And, needless to say, green does not mean you throw the car in reverse to see if you go backwards for long enough to start getting bugs to splatter on your rear window.

Rule 2: Red means stop. Red does not mean to pause for long enough to look around and not find any cops so you can run the light. Nor does red mean to start honking at the guy ahead of you in a futile attempt for him to break rule number 2.

Rule 3: I am exempt for rules 1 and 2.

That being said here's the directions. Pull out of your driveway/parking space. Turn left. Drive until you see Duke sitting in his rocking chair. He's the guy wearing the cowboy hat. If Duke is asleep, turn left. If he's awake, turn right. If you can't tell go around the block a few times until you can tell for sure. Eventually, you'll see a Taco Bell on your right, pull in and buy 3 Soft Tacos, not 4 and not 2, just 3. If there's a babe at the window, feel free to flirt. Pull out of Taco Bell and flip a coin. If the coin is heads, go right. If it's tails go left. (If it's a Canadian coin just go straight, regardless of the flip. Yes, you still have to flip it anyway.)

Now, once you get going again, you'll come to a sign. The sign may or may not have numbers on it. It also may or may not to have letters on it. Ignore the sign. After ignoring the sign you'll come to a light that is always red. It won't turn green no matter how long you wait. To get around Rule 2, just close your eyes and go forward until you have gone through the light. If your eyes are closed then it might be green and therefore you are not breaking Rule 2.

At this point, you're about half-way to Boldo's. Now keep going the same direction for about 4.6 leagues. No, I don't know what a league is either, just do it, ok? After this, if it's cloudy, turn (doesn't matter which way) at the next light and if it's sunny then turn on the radio. If it's partly sunny, do both. At about this time, you'll hit Route {SYMBOL 112 \f "Symbol"} (really, that's what it's called). Turn left, and start accelerating until you're going about 55 miles per hour, then stop and go the other way until you can see a giant "Got Milk?" sign. Answer no. Then keep going.

Within about 10 minutes you'll see Monroe Ave. Go past Monroe Ave. Just keep going. While, technically, Boldo's is on Monroe Ave, this route is much, much faster. You're not lost yet, so trust me on this. As you're going along you may notice a small black hole, please try to avoid it. It was the former meeting spot of Team Fat Guy. Keep going until you see that chain smoking guy from the X-Files. He's tall, dark, and always smoking those stupid cigarettes. Wave. If he waves back, go left, if he doesn't go right, THEN turn left. If he just gives you the finger, then go home. Do not pass go, do not solve the X-Files, just go home. Now you should be on Main St. Keep going until you go over a bridge. If that bridge was the Rainbow Bridge, then you may have gone too far. After going over the bridge, stop in the first gas station you see and buy a map. Glue that map to your windshield, then take a snowball and throw it at the map. Where ever the snowball lands, head there.

After you get there (probably Jersey if you can't aim well), look for a woman with really nice Juju Bubbles. Buy them (they should only cost a buck or two). Then go North. Or south. Or where ever your little heart wants to go. At this point, you'll pass another Taco Bell, buy 3 more Soft Tacos. Again, if a babe is at the window feel free to flirt. Leave Taco Bell, and head right. With any luck, you'll see Boldo's Armory on your left. But by this time, they're probably closed up for the night. Sorry, you'll have to try again tomorrow.

So, that's how you get to Boldo's from whereever you are. Unless you're in England, then you have to follow the directions backwards. This is due to the fact that you drive on the other side of the road. Don't ask about the physics of it, just do it, ok?

Alright, I'm outta here. I've got a really big date with my 27 year-old model girlfriend. I just have to find a way to mend her shoulder and remember where I put my bike pump....

Mike Dewey, still putting the Par in Parody

Editor's Note: If you have any problems with the above directions, please go to www.mapquest.com and type 891 Monroe Avenue, Rochester, NY in the destination boxes and your location in the starting boxes. This will give you a nice set of directions to follow. Sorry, there is no mention of Duke in these directions.

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